College Football 2016, Week 5: IN MEMORIAM

Did the last couple of weeks leave you yearning for some high-drama, batshit crazy football games? Did they? I know they left me wanting a little more of that "I can't take anymore of this...." kind of games, and Week 5 delivered in spades. We have Top 5 clashes with goal line stands, Hail Mary passes, freakish interceptions to seal the deal, a ton of fantastic catches..........it's altogether too much. 

And now it's October aka "my favorite month of the year". The football intensity turns up, the weather cools down to that sweet spot and there's a shitload of horror flicks on TV. Let's begin, shall we?

#1 Alabama cruises past Kentucky, 34-6: More of Bama just doing what they do, which is scoring and dominating in all three phases of the game. They are really the only team that does this on a regular basis. It ain't cocky if you back it up. Next up for Bama is a significantly tougher schedule for the entirety of October. They'll start with a visit to Arkansas (no small test) and follow it up with a trip to red-hot Tennessee, then go home and host Texas A&M. It's safe to say the "meaty" part of the Alabama schedule has arrived. Kentucky will host Vanderbilt.

#2 Ohio State decimates Rutgers, 58-0: There's nothing I can say about this game in particular that the score doesn't tell you. Ohio State is a complete team, but I don't think they've had that first real punch in the mouth yet. They'll stay home and host scrappy Indiana at The Shoe; poor Rutgers has to follow this up by hosting MICHIGAN. They need to fire the asshole that does their schedule. That shit is fucked up. Seriously. THE Ohio State University gets a real test from Wisconsin in Madison.

#3 Louisville shows why the hype train was painted red, but loses in THE REAL DEATH VALLEY to a more experienced #5 Clemson team (and 81,000 of the family), 42-36: I'm going to ramble a bit here, but let me be very clear: Louisville is 100% legit. That's a great team with a dynamic QB. A rivalry has been born here in the last 3 years of this series (now a yearly affair in the ACC Atlantic Division) with nail-biter games that are disgustingly physical, chippy, and ill-tempered. I love it. This is football at it's most base. Respect and hatred are kissing cousins, and there is plenty of both to go around in this series. But here's how it works: you don't come into THE REAL DEATH VALLEY and expect to win without being 100% on point....99% won't cut it. We don't lose at home very often. Holding court at home is where Clemson hangs their hat and makes their name. This game was an INSTANT CLASSIC with crazy lead changes, fights, improbable turnovers, huge plays, and insane crowd noise (too many false starts for Louisville to even count). The crowd was a factor in this game, and you can't always say that with a straight face (unless you're under the lights in Clemson, SC........my home town). Next up for Clemson is a trip to Boston College, while Louisville will play Duke in The Papa. FULL DISCLOSURE OPINION: Louisville shouldn't have dropped to #7 in the AP; we should've swapped places instead.

#4 Michigan plods past #8 Wisconsin in a slow-moving (and frankly boring) 14-7 win: I'm really not talking shit, but it's typical B1G football. I need more from a game than 2 teams trading punts for 90% of the game. Still, Michigan held serve in The Big House against their first real test. They passed that test, just not with an A. The game did produce, however, the single best interception I've even seen. Freakish doesn't even begin to describe it. Look it up. Michigan will travel to Rutgers to pad their stats next week. Wisconsin will try to get back on track against Ohio State (no small feat). But, hey....at least they're at home for that one. 

#6 Houston continues the "Powder Puff Tour" by smoking UConn, 42-14: Again, I'm not talking shit. Houston is a fantastic team that humiliated Oklahoma, but everything between that game and their end of the year showdown with Louisville is just fluff. They need to get out of the AAC and join a real conference. Next up for the Cougars on the PPT16 will be Navy; UConn hosts Cincinatti.

#7 Stanford has their coniferous asses tossed straight in the wood-chipper by #10 Washington, 44-6: You know this is the "What the Fuck Just Happened" game of the week right here. Holy shit. What in the actual fuck!! I didn't see this coming. I'v been saying since Week 1 that I wasn't sold on Washington (while admitting that I don't follow the PAC-12). They held "Mr. Everything" Christian McCaffrey to 49 yards on 12 carries. They showed balance in the run and pass games. They dominated the team that has run roughshod over the PAC-12 for a while now. Excellent work. Now you're on everyone's radar, Huskies. Washington travels to Autzen Stadium for a date with the (not so mighty) Ducks, while Stanford will try to right the ship at home against Washington State. Upset alert, anyone?

#9 Texas A&M holds off South Carolina with well-timed answers, 24-13: The Shamecocks came out swinging early. They struck first. Willy-B was rocking.........and then A&M scored twice. Carolina came back with a field goal to pull it to within 4..........and then A&M answered. See a pattern? Too much talent on the A&M side of the ball for the Cocks to handle. Texas A&M will host Tennessee, who are currently playing out of their fucking minds. The team who formerly belonged to The Old Ball Sack will host Georgia. I think SC might be able to steal that one. 

#11 Tennessee shocks #25 Georgia "Between the Hedges" with last second Hail Mary, 34-31: What a damn game this was. Georgia showed up ready for battle and they brought it. With 2:56 left in the game, Tennessee sacks the young Dawgs QB, forces the fumble and recovers it for the TD to take the lead. The crowd is deflated until the kid leads the Dawgs back down and scores on a beautiful 47-yard TD pass with :10 left on the clock. Game over, right? A celebration in Athens, right? Wrong. Dead wrong. 1 Hail Mary later and Tennessee breaks the hearts of every Georgia fan everywhere. They'll talk about that one for years and years to come. Next weekend is a trip to Cootlumbia to beat some Cocks. Tennessee will travel to College Station to contend with the 12th Man. Good luck with that. Oh, and FUCK GEORGIA.

#12 Florida State chokes and gets chopped down by North Carolina on last second, 54-yard (!!) field goal, 37-35: If you aren't aware then I'll just go ahead and tell you a couple of things you should know by now. Ready? Good. Here goes: FSU is not the team to beat this year, and they are out of contention for the ACC Atlantic unless they can beat Clemson AND if Louisville falls apart (in other words....not gonna happen). Also, Mitch Trubisky from NC is an underrated QB. Watching that greasy-haired kicker from UNC run around The Doak giving tomahawk chops did my heart so much good. Florida State will try to get back on track on the road against a good Miami Hurricanes team in one of college football's classic rivalries. The Tarheels will go back home and host newly ranked Virginia Tech. 

#13 Baylor survives a wild shootout against cellar dweller Iowa State in Ames, 45-42: I'm still not sold on Baylor; they just feel like a train-wreck waiting to happen. They have a damn good QB and no defense, and they play in the Wild West known as the Big 12 (where no one plays D and everyone scores 40+). It's just a matter of time before they snuff it. Next up for the Bears is a home game against a terrible Kansas team. Iowa State will travel to Oklahoma State and their asses handed to them. 

#14 Miami stifles Georgia Tech in the middle of downtown Atlanta, 35-21: I put the 'Canes on upset alert last week and I WAS DEAD WRONG. They took care of business in this one. Richt is the perfect fit as the head coach of that program. Not only is he an alum, but he is a "coach 'em up" kind of guy with a deep recruiting pool to draw from. Times are indeed getting better at "The U". Next up for Miami is their yearly nostalgiafest/bad blood game with FSU. Georgia Tech will travel to Pitt.

#15 Nebraska takes over in the 4th to beat Illinois, 31-16: This is a good character builder type of game for the Huskers. They spent 3 quarters getting punched in the mouth and making small mistakes, but then they made the necessary adjustments and took over the 4th quarter. Don't sleep on this Nebraska team; they're totally under the radar right now. Nebraska will take a week off and then visit Indiana. The Fighting Illini will host Purdue.

#16 Ole Miss tames the goofy blue Tigers with ease, handles Memphis 48-28: Chad Kelly was showing out, throwing for 361 yards and a TD on 30-44 passing. The Rebels running game made that pretty easy to do with Brazley and Pellerin each adding a pair of rushing TDs. Hell, the defense even added a Pick-6. That's how you get the job done. Next week Ole Miss will take a day off and say "Bye!!". Following that they'll finally go on the road and face Arkansas on 10/14 (whose dick do you have to suck to get that long of a home stretch, eh?). Memphis will host Temple.

#17 Michigan State continues its fall from grace, losing to Indiana 24-21 in OT: Not a good time to be a Spartans fan. After getting as high as #8 in the AP Poll (after beating a now exposed Notre Dame team), you go and get your shit pushed by Wisconsin 30-6 and then lose on the road to Indiana in OT??!! Wow. Bad run. They'll try to get back to their winning ways next week hosting BYU (be careful). Indiana will try to put a chink in Ohio State's armor at The Shoe. We'll go ahead and call that a loss for them, shall we?

#18 Utah slips on the road against California, 28-23: Maybe we should be paying a little bit more attention to Cal (right, Texas?). They had the lead for a half, gave it up in the 3rd, then got it back and held on with a goal-line stand as time runs out. Great game. It's probably a good thing for Cal this was played in their house, as you don't fuck with the Mormons in Utah. The Utes will host Arizona and "Rich-Rod" next week; Cal will travel to Corvallis and play the Beavers.

#19 San Diego State withers in its brief time in the Top 25, loses to South Alabama, 42-24: Apparently some of the state of Alabama's inherent magic rubbed off on the South Alabama Jaguars.....they stomped San Diego State. They even used an early flea-flicker. God bless the flea-flicker. Oh yeah, by the way: they did it with a backup QB. Statement win for a small program. San Diego State will go home and host UNLV, while South Alabama will travel to Arkansas State.

#20 Arkansas tunes up on Alcorn State, 52-10: In a continuation of my inappropriate joke from last week, Alcorn State couldn't dig up "Air" McNair. Arkansas had a nice, glorified practice in preparation for #1 Alabama. Do we really care who Alcorn State plays next?

#21 TCU misses in the shootout with a revitalized Oklahoma squad, 52-46: Oklahoma has decided they want to start (kind of) playing like they're capable of, at least on the offensive side of the ball. Defense is a dirty word in the Big 12, and this one was another Wild West Shootout. Another flea-flicker. Yes!!! Next up for OU is the biggie, aka "The Red River Shootout" with Texas at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. TCU will travel to Kansas.

#22 Texas gets "upset" by Oklahoma State in Stillwater, 49-31:  Getting held to 31 in the Big 12 is almost embarassing. Charlie Strong's ass is getting more than a little bit hot on that burnt orange seat. He'd better pull out one hell of a game at the State Fair next weekend if he wants to stay employed after this season (UT already said they won't fire him during the year). The Cowboys very briefly let Texas have the lead, but they essentially dominated from start to finish. They'll play Iowa State at home next.

#23 Florida bores Vanderbilt to death, 13-6: This was a boring ass game that produced only one TD, a 4-yard run in the 2nd quarter. Then there were FGs.....as dull as it sounds. But a win is a win is a win. The Gators aren't complaining. Next up is LSU in The Swamp. Vandy will travel to Kentucky.

#24 Boise State blows a big, blue money shot on Utah State, 21-10: Man, have I missed that Smurf-Turf since Petersen was axed in the so-so scandal a few years back. The defending Mountain West Champions handled Utah State with ease (and the usual trick play fun that they're known for). You've gotta love the RB Pass down the sidelines. Next up for Team Smurf is the Lobos of New Mexico (GO LOBOS!!). Utah State will travel to Colorado State.

Needless to say, the Top 25 will look a little different after a week of crazy finishes and big statements. Here you go:

• #1 Alabama (53), same
• #2 Ohio State (6), same
• #3 Clemson (1), +2
• #4 Michigan (1), same
• #5 Washington, +5
• #6 Houston, same
• #7 Louisville, -4
• #8 Texas A&M, +1
• #9 Tennessee, +2
• #10 Miami (FL), +4
• #11 Wisconsin, -3
• #12 Nebraska, +3
• #13 Baylor, same
• #14 Ole Miss, +2
• #15 Stanford, -8
• #16 Arkansas, +4
• #17 North Carolina, unranked
• #18 Florida, +5
• #19 Boise State, +5
• #20 Oklahoma, unranked
• #21 Colorado, unranked
• #22 West Virginia, unranked
• #23 Florida State, -11
• #24 Utah, -6
• #25 Virginia Tech, unranked

There's definitely some intriguing games next week. The "Red River Shootout" is a piece of college football history and always fun to watch. You'll see #9 Tennessee on the road at #8 Texas A&M in one of the great places to play. #1 Alabama gets their first REAL test (sorry, Southern Cal fans) at #16 Arkansas. Finally, who doesn't love the hatred between #23 FSU and #10 Miami?? See y'all next week.