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Big Daddy Stu's 2016 BOWL PREVIEW (complete with bad language!!)

Big Daddy Stu's 2016 BOWL PREVIEW (complete with bad language!!)

Stuart Monroe
Sports

I'm trying not to weep, y'all. I'm trying not to mourn the approaching end of another season of my favorite sport there is- college football. But that's the consolation prize, isn't it? Bowl season brings you some crazy and ass-backwards matchups. Bowl season also turns every real college fan into a conference homer, which unfortunately puts us on the level of those obnoxious SEC fans. So be it...............ACC!! ACC!! ACC!!

Let's dig into a game by game bowl preview, shall we? (DISCLAIMER: I don't include the sponsors in the names of the games; it makes them sound dumber than they already do)

  • (12/17/16, 12:00 on ABC) Celebration Bowl- NC Central vs. Grambling: It's a pair of D2 teams who've had pretty good years; hell, NC Central's two losses came to Duke and undefeated Western Michigan. Grambling had to win it all in their conference just to get to a bowl, so it's safe to say BOTH teams are very motivated. My prediction? I think NC Central is a bit better and shows it, 24-21.
  • (12/17/16, 2:00 on ESPN) New Mexico Bowl- UTSA vs. New Mexico: This one is pretty straightforward. The Roadrunners barely scraped into a bowl after a 1-3 start against crap competition; The Lobos exceeded all expectations and have the #1 rushing attack in the nation (I did NOT know that). They are a team that is legit on the rise. I'm gonna predict the Lobos (in a true home game at University Stadium in my old stomping grounds of Albuquerque) beat the dogshit out of UTSA, 35-10.
  • (12/17/16, 3:30 on ABC) Las Vegas Bowl- San Diego State vs. Houston: You've gotta love it when the first day gives you a peach of a matchup. Houston was ranked as high as #6 this year and ruined Louisville's season by thumping them late in the year. San Diego State quietly rolled off 10 wins. I feel like the Cougars have more to prove and more to play for, but this is a dangerous opponent for a team that hasn't been great against the run. I'm gonna go out on a limb and trust newly crowned Coach Applewhite; I'm saying Houston wins a tight one, 28-24.
  • (12/17/16, 5:30 on ESPN) Camellia Bowl- Toledo vs. Appalachian State: You've got the Sun Belt Co-Champs against a very good Toledo team that put a scare into undefeated Western Michigan. They're evenly matched and both feature a pair of dynamic (and underappreciated) running backs. My guess? The Mountaineers outrush and grind out Toledo, 35-21.
  • (12/17/16, 5:30 ET on CBS Sports Networks) Cure Bowl- UCF vs. Arkansas State: This one looks pretty straightforward to me- the UCF offense sucks big floppy donkey dick and the Arkansas State has 3 all-conference D-backs. Enough said. Expect picks galore. I'm saying the Red Wolves (winners of 7 of their last 8) steamroll the Knights, 31-13.
  • (12/17/16, 9:00 on ESPN) New Orleans Bowl- Southern Miss vs. UL Lafayette: This one is kind of a stinker, to be honest. Both of these teams are lucky there are so many bowl games. Southern Miss was the pre-season pick to win the conference, but they are more prone to give it up than the trailer park tramp. They're better, but UL-L kind of own this bowl historically. Someone has to win, so I'm gonna go with the streak and say UL-L wins by a narrow margin, 21-17.
  • (12/19/16, 2:30 on ESPN) Miami Beach Bowl- Central Michigan vs. Tulsa: Another stinker. You've got the team that shouldn't have beaten the Oklahoma State Cowboys against the team that nearly upset Houston, a battle of should-haves and strange karma. I think the Chippewa's NFL-ready QB, Cooper Rush, makes the difference. I'm saying Central Michigan wins by an NFL-style score, 21-14.
  • (12/20/16, 7:00 on ESPN) Boca Raton Bowl- Memphis vs. Western Kentucky: It's the team that ruined Houston's shot at a big bowl game against the back-to-back Conference USA Champions. Believe it or not, the Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky are a team on the rise. They also have one of college football's best wide receivers in Taywan Taylor (1,586 yards and 16 TD) to go with a solid QB in Mike White. This one is easy to pick- Western Kentucky pounds the blue Tigers' asses like a prison bitch, 42-21.
  • (12/21/16, 9:00 on ESPN) Poinsettia Bowl- BYU vs. Wyoming: It's been a year of close calls that the Cougars didn't get. For Wyoming it's been the best year in a long time. The Cowboys upset then-undefeated Boise State on Halloween for their first win over a Top-25 team in 14 years. They also have a stellar young back in Brian Hill (21 TD) and a nasty line. I'm going with the Boys of Wyoming in a game that's a statement of where they're headed, 28-10.
  • (12/22/16, 7:00 on ESPN) Potato Bowl- Idaho vs. Colorado State: So, am I the only one laughing at the Potato Bowl? What a fucking name. Silly. In any case, Colorado State is an under the radar team that can put up points against a team that is being DEMOTED to D2 (or FCS in modern day speak). This should be a smurf-turf blowout. I'm saying the Rams shove a fat, eye-covered potato up the Vandals puckered asses, 56-17.
  • (12/23/16, 1:00 on ESPN) Bahamas Bowl- Eastern Michigan vs. Old Dominion: I'm really not trying to be glib, but I didn't even know ODU played a sport other than basketball. Seriously. Apparently they're going to their first ever bowl game after recently making the jump from D2. Eastern Michigan is looking for win number 8 after shitting out a 1-win season last year. I don't think motivation is a problem for either team, but I like ODU's dependable, mistake free QB. I'm saying ODU wins a surprisingly entertaining game, 31-30.
  • (12/23/16, 4:30 on ESPN) Armed Forces Bowl- Louisiana Tech vs. #25 Navy: Look, man....I'm not fucking with Navy after they were upset by Army in The Big Game. LA Tech is a fine program, but you don't dick around with a pissed off, revenge minded military squad (regardless of branch). I'm picking Navy, 28-7.
  • (12/23/16, 8:00 on ESPN) Dollar General Bowl- Ohio vs. Troy: Former Nebraska coach Frank Solich has Ohio playing regularly in the postseason, and they have an extremely stingy D. However, Troy is one of the great stories this year. Speaking as a Clemson fan, these guys gave us a fucking heart attack and almost won in THE REAL DEATH VALLEY. Troy is stepping up to the big leagues and has a lot to play for here. I like Troy in this one, 17-7. 
  • (12/24/16, 8:00 on ESPN) Hawaii Bowl- Hawaii vs. Middle Tennessee: Oh, look.........Hawaii is in the Hawaii Bowl, just like they are every year. Riveting. As far as the game goes, Hawaii is backing in with a losing record and, conversely, Middle Tennessee is hot (a win over an SEC team, Missouri) and scoring 40 a game. That trend continues. I'm smelling Raiders winning big, 42-17.
  • (12/26/16, 11:00am on ESPN) St. Petersburg Bowl- Miami (Ohio) vs. Mississippi State: This should be a mismatch, right? But there is something to be said for "magic" and "getting hot". The Redhawks started 0-6 and changed QB's. They finished 6-6 and their new QB, Gus Ragland, has thrown for 15 TDs and NO INTERCEPTIONS!! Still, this is an SEC defense (albeit one with a 5-7 record) with a QB who has crazy potential. If he shows up ready to play it'll be a reality check for the alma mater of Big Ben Rapelisberger. I'm going to call it a close one, with State winning 28-20.
  • (12/26/16, 2:30 on ESPN) Quick Lane Bowl- Maryland vs. Boston College: Bowl season produces an old ACC matchup. Goody! I've always detested the Terps and their fanbase. I try to be classy, but it's the truth. You're looking at 2 teams who only won 3 games last year getting to bowl eligibility this year- they're headed in the right direction. I think the Boston College D is very salty, and the Terps are missing key offensive components. I'm calling it in favor of the ACC Eagles, 21-10.
  • (12/26/16, 5:00 on ESPN2) Independence Bowl- NC State vs. Vanderbilt: I think both of these teams will look back at their big opponents. For the Wolfpack it was a heartbreaking OT loss to Clemson that they probably should've won. For the 'Dores it was the season ending rivalry win over then #17 Tennessee. Both teams are salty as fatback, but that NC State defense is as nasty as they come. Mark my words. I'm gonna predict a comfy NC State win, 35-20.
  • (12/27/16, 12:00 on ESPN) Heart of Dallas Bowl- Army vs. North Texas: This one is a big deal for the Mean Green; the last few years haven't been great. Army is riding a wave of momentum after their upset of Navy. The Mean Green are playing a home game, essentially. I think home-field advantage and motivation are a big factor in North Texas winning this one, 24-20.
  • (12/27/16, 3:30 on ESPN) Military Bowl- #24 Temple vs. Wake Forest: Temple has a 10,000-yard career passer in Phillip Walker and is, arguably, in a "golden era" for a program known more for basketball. Wake Forest is an improving squad in a super-tough conference, but I think Temple is operating on a slightly different level. Advantage: Owls. I'm sensing a bit of a barn-burner, 37-32.
  • (12/27/16, 7:00 on ESPN) Holiday Bowl- Minnesota vs. Washington State: I'm intrigued by this game as both teams are capable of quite a lot. The Gophers looked ready to upset archrival Wisconsin for The Axe. The Cougars far surpassed expectations, despite a pair of blowout instate losses (Eastern Washington in September and Washington in November) to bookend a surprising season in a wacky PAC-12. It's the rushing attack of the Gophers against the nasty air assault of the Cougs, and both teams have so-so defense. I'm picking the more up-trending Cougars, 42-38.
  • (12/27/16, 10:15 on ESPN) Cactus Bowl- Boise State vs. Baylor: To me, this one is very easy to call. It'll be a coming out party for Brett Rypien (nephew of Super Bowl MVP Mark Rypien, 3,341 yds, 23 TDs, only 6 INT) and his stellar RB Jeremy McNichols (1,663 yards and 23 TDs) that will be WAY too much for the Bears and their nonexistent defense. It'll be the proverbial trip to the prison showers- Baylor gets their shit pushed in hard, 52-20.
  • (12/28/16, 2:00 on ESPN) Pinstripe Bowl- #23 Pitt vs. Northwestern: Lo and behold, it's the team that beat my beloved Tigers. Pitt is a very good ballclub, and people are starting to realize it. In fact, I think they are too good for Northwestern. The Wildcats are headed the right way, but James Conner and the Pitt offense will make them look bad. Final? Pitt wins big, 35-7.
  • (12/28/16, 5:30 on ESPN) Russell Athletic Bowl- #16 West Virginia vs. Miami (FL): It's the official game Jekyll & Hyde vs. Jekyll & Hyde. The Mountaineers have become a top-tier team in the Big-12. The Hurricanes are already getting better under 1st year coach Mark Richt (formerly of Georgia). When these teams are on their game they are deadly (see Miami's rout of Pitt). When they stink they REALLY stink (see West Virginia's curb-stomping from Oklahoma). Who shows up? I think Miami is under more pressure to deliver, & they have the better talent. I say the 'Canes win a close one, 28-27.
  • (12/28/16, 8:30 on FOX) Foster Farms Bowl- Indiana vs. #19 Utah: This one feels like a mismatch. Indiana has (by B1G standards) had a good year, beating traditional rivals Michigan State and Purdue....but they sucked this year. Hard. Like first rate pornstar hard. Utah, on the other hand, did lose to Oregon in a very down year for the Ducks, but they beat USC in a marquee game. Still, I feel like this one goes the Hoosiers way, 31-28.
  • (12/28/16, 9:00 on ESPN) Texas Bowl- Texas A&M vs. Kansas State: It's an old Big-12 matchup with some real history. I'm looking forward to this one. K-State loves to play spoiler, and the Aggies have underachieved this year and blown serious opportunities. I love the Wildcats in this one, but A&M is just too good. Aggies will run away late, 31-21.
  • (12/29/16, 2:00 on ESPN) Birmingham Bowl- South Florida vs. South Carolina: The Bulls have already gotten 10 wins. They have upset a ranked team in Navy. They're trying to build something, but you could (and I do.....very begrudgingly) say the same thing about the Gamecocks. They were expected to be a dead-last team, and they are bowling. Still, I don't know if they will be able to shake off the buttfucking Clemson gave them at the end of the year. I'm sure it still hurts. USF has a few too many weapons for the very young South Carolina team (who will get better quickly). The Bulls should take it easily, 28-17.
  • (12/29/16, 5:30 on ESPN) Belk Bowl- Arkansas vs. #22 Virginia Tech: This one is another Jekyll/Jekyll scenario. Both of these teams have been wildly inconsistent, with big wins followed by perplexing losses the next game. Both have the ability to score in chunks. Unfortunately for the Hogs, it's the Hokies ability to play from behind that gives them the edge. I'm calling this one for VA Tech, 42-31.
  • (12/29/16, 9:00 on ESPN) Alamo Bowl- #12 Oklahoma State vs. #10 Colorado: FINALLY!! We get our first matchup of two ranked teams. The Pokes were very nearly the cream of the crop in the "no-defense" Big-12. Colorado is probably the Cinderella story of the season when you think of it in terms of expectations vs. results. Did you really see the Buffs playing for the PAC-12 Title? Fuck no, you didn't!! The Cowboys average 42 points/game, while the Buffaloes run the shit out of the ball. I get the feeling that the ball control game for Colorado, combined with a couple of timely turnovers from the D will give Colorado the edge and a nice exclamation point on their Cinderella season, 31-25....but it won't be easy.
  • (12/30/16, Noon on ESPN) Liberty Bowl- Georgia vs. TCU: This is a tricky one to predict. Both teams kind of backed their way into the postseason. Both teams have lots of talent on the recruiting side. Georgia has a very young and inconsistent QB in Jacob Eason, but his potential is frankly scary. I believe the Dawgs' D will be the difference in a tight game that will foreshadow the good year that both of these schools will have next year. Dawgs win, 28-24. And, of course, FUCK GEORGIA.
  • (12/30/16, 2:00 on CBS) Sun Bowl- #18 Stanford vs. North Carolina: I didn't think this one would be easy to call, but it seems fairly clear cut (to this humble fan, at least). Stanford was a a preseason Top-10 team who stumbled early before getting their feet totally back under them in the 2nd half of the season. The Heels, on the other hand, are the definition of schizophrenic. They're wild and crazy and fun, kind of like the really crazy chick you had that torrid relationship with who'd let you do ANYTHING........then key your car because you didn't buy her Starbucks. Mitch Trubisky at QB is the best kept secret in the ACC (and maybe the country), but it won't be enough. Stanford grinds it out and wins a low scoring affair, 20-12.
  • (12/30/16, 3:30 on ESPN) Music City Bowl- Nebraska vs. #21 Tennessee: This game has the potential to be wildly entertaining. What's that you say? Nebraska is boring. True. Tennessee is capable of ridiculous bursts of scoring, but their D is very suspect. Both teams had shitty 2nd halves of their respective seasons. Nebraska got exposed for their soft schedule, and the Vols lost to the Gamecocks and the Commodores, back to back. It's a nothing to lose, everything to gain kind of game that I believe favors the talented Vols and their butt ugly QB (look up a pic of Josh Dobbs....he looks like a penis' idea of an uglier penis). Tennessee wins in penile fashion, 35-17.
  • (12/30/16, 5:30 on Campus Insiders?) Arizona Bowl- South Alabama vs. Air Force: The theme of this game will be motivation. Both of these squads have signature upset wins (Mississippi State for South Alabama & Boise State for Air Force). They're evenly matched on both sides of the ball. Who wants it more? I say it's South Alabama, who has yet to have a bowl win. That's real motivation. South Bama (ha ha) wins 31-28.
  • (12/30-16, 8:00 on ESPN) Orange Bowl- #6 Michigan vs. #11 Florida State: Is there a letdown for Michigan after all those Playoff hopes? Does anyone really feel that FSU is ever NOT dangerous? Is Jabrill Peppers even human? What does the amazing Dalvin Cook do in his swan song? There are a lot of good story lines here. As good as the D is for the Wolverines, I feel that losing Speight is a hit that they'll feel when faced with a very disciplined and talented 'Noles defense. I'm going to say FSU wins a VERY close game that comes down to the last second, 31-30.
  • (12/31/16, 11:00 on ABC) Citrus Bowl- #20 LSU vs. #13 Louisville: The real test for the Heisman Trophy winner, Lamar Jackson (the Cards first ever Heisman winner and youngest ever) will come in the form of a big, nasty Tiger defense. I think he'll pass. I am biased, and I do feel that Watson should've won the Heisman. With that being said, Jackson is a freak of nature and Louisville is a better team on both sides of the ball. Cards win, 32-20.
  • (12/31/16, 11:00 on ESPN) Tax Slayer Bowl- Georgia Tech vs. Kentucky: This could be a show-stealer of a game. Both of these teams ended the year hot by beating rivals they normally get pounded by. They both have stellar run games, though the Jackets get theirs off of the outdated and funky triple option. I'm giving the edge to the tandem backs of Kentucky, Williams and Snell. Cats win, 28-17.
  • (1/2/17, 1:00 on ABC) Outback Bowl- #17 Florida vs. Iowa: It's the "Something to Prove" Bowl. Florida got abused like they forgot to make sandwiches by Bama. Iowa knocked Michigan off their undefeated perch and finished strong. Each team is trying to make a case, so to speak, for next year. However, I think Iowa is more complete and HEALTHY. Hawkeyes win the game (and the Steeler lookalike contest), 21-9.
  • (1/2/17, 1:00 ESPN) Cotton Bowl Classic- #15 Western Michigan vs. #8 Wisconsin: Do you like underdog stories? Well, this one is for you. The only undefeated team NOT named Alabama will have to beat the most physical team in the B1G (and maybe all of college football). The Badgers are nasty in the truest sense of the word. PJ Fleck is the hottest and most enigmatic coach in the game today. David vs. Goliath never goes out of style. I'm picking the Broncos in this one. It should be a classic, and they will earn it 28-27.
  • (1/2/17, 5:00 on ESPN) Rose Bowl Game- #9 USC vs. #5 Penn State: The Granddaddy of Them All. It's the most historic game in college football, and I love this matchup. USC is smoking hot, and Penn State is a great, redemptive story. The pageantry will be off the charts. I know the Nittany Lions have pulled off some miracles this year, but I don't think this one goes their way. I'm calling it for the Trojans by 10 points, 38-28.
  • (1/2/17, 8:30 on ESPN) Sugar Bowl- #14 Auburn vs. #7 Oklahoma: Can the nasty and physical Auburn front 7 control the red hot combo of Baker Mayfield and Dede Westbrook? I believe they are certainly capable, but the chip on OU's shoulder is fucking massive. Sooners roll, 35-10. You heard me.
  • (12/31/16, 3:00 on ESPN) COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF SEMIFINAL GAME at the Peach Bowl- #1 Alabama vs. #4 Washington: I am so very curious about this one game. Washington has proven to be the real deal against a not-so-tough schedule (or so the pundits say). On the other hand, you've got Alabama. The Kings. The reigning champs. A team that didn't have a TD scored on them for 5 straight games. They score on offense, defense, and special teams. They don't fuck up. Period. Miracles DO happen, but it won't this time. The Tide will roll (mildly), 24-13.
  • (12/31/16, 7:00 on ESPN) COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF SEMIFINAL GAME at the Fiesta Bowl- #2 Clemson vs. #3 Ohio State: This is where my heart is, needless to say. The Tigers return to the Playoffs for the 2nd year in a row with a Heisman runner-up and the nation's most prolific and loaded offense (and a physical, mean young D). The Buckeyes are good enough to play in the CFP without winning (or even playing) for their conference title. Urban Meyer is a hell of a coach, and I am biased...........but I truly believe there are some nightmare matchups for the Buckeyes. The Ohio State line is not their strong point, and the D-line for Clemson (Wilkins, Lawrence, and Co.) are dominant. Watson can do it all, and running QBs have been giving OSU fits. No one can cover Mike Williams. I believe, both as a critical analysis and in my heart, that the Tigers win out, 30-28.
  • (1/9/17, 8:00 on ESPN) NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME- I say Clemson vs. Alabama..........and I say it's time for VENGEANCE!!!!! GO TIGERS!!!!
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