Stu Monroe is a hard-working Southern boy of no renown and a sick little monkey of great renown. He has a beautiful wife, Cindy, and an astonishingly wacky daughter, Gracie. His opinions are endorsed by absolutely no one…except www.HorrorTalk.com!

College Football 2016, Week 3: IN MEMORIAM

College Football 2016, Week 3: IN MEMORIAM

Stuart Monroe
Sports

I'll be damned if this wasn't one of the more interesting weeks of college football I've seen in a while. There were upsets, of course, but in at least one case it's the severity of the upset that had my eyeballs popping out of my head. There were unexpectedly tough games for a big boy or two. But, I digress. Here we go.

#1 Alabama slides past #19 Ole Miss in Oxford, 48-43: To me, this one is pretty cut and dried (as far as Ole Miss goes). When you blow a 21-point lead you deserve to lose. You had the reigning Kings of College Football on their asses and you let them get back up. SHAME!! SHAME!! SHAME!! Also, you don't come back from 21 down against a ranked opponent without being pretty damn good. And they are. The Tide will play Kent State next (in a surefire thriller......sarcasm) and Ole Miss gets a schizo Georgia team.

#2 FSU is taken behind the woodshed and beaten like a bitch by #10 Louisville, 63-20: It may be bad karma to laugh at a rival's bad loss, but I'll take my chances. HA HA HA HA HA!!! FUCK YOU, 'NOLES!! You have deserved that for so long. Looks like the ACC Atlantic is a three-way race now. I've been singing the praises of the Cardinals for the last couple of years as an up and coming team. I think they will be to this year as Clemson was to 2015. Up next for FSU is a bounceback against USF; Louisville will be playing "We Are Marshall".

#3 Ohio State kills #14 Oklahoma's chances of a CFP Playoff spot, 45-24: Urban Meyer is the most consistent coach in the game today. The man just wins wherever he goes, be it Utah or Florida or Ohio State. Bob Stoops continues to solidify his rep as the guy who just can't win a big game to save his life. There was also ANOTHER dropped ball at the 1-yard line, early flip thing in this game, but the refs missed this one. It's a damn epidemic, I tell ya. The Buckeyes are a legit contender and the Sooners can stop dreaming now. Ohio State's got sorry ass Rutgers up next; OU has to deal with TCU.

#4 Michigan gets all they can handle from Colorado, but remembers which khakis they left their balls in, 45-28: These khaki jokes aren't old yet. Neither is the buzz for the Wolverines. Jabrill Peppers punt return for 54 yards in the 4th was a thing of beauty. Next up for Michigan is rival Penn State aka "Molester U"; Colorado will chase speedy Oregon.

#5 Clemson returns to form and "mercy rules" SC State, 59-0: Oh, my beloved Tigers. This was what you needed to do against far inferior competition. Both coaches agreed to cut the quarters to 12 minutes once it was 31-0 at the end of the 1st quarter. I didn't even know there was a mercy rule in college football. Next up for Clemson is Georgia Tech (ugh) in Atlanta (double ugh) on Thursday night (triple ugh); SC State will play someone, I'm sure.

#6 Houston continues to roll lightweights like joints against Cincinnati, 40-16: It does bear mentioning that this game was a super-slim 12-10 Houston lead at the end of the 3rd quarter!! Then they woke up and scored 4 TDs in the 4th. Do what you do, Houston. Cupcake schedule the rest of the way. Houston plays mighty Texas State next; Cincinnati will host Miami (OH) in what might (?) be a rivalry of some kind (I know fuck all about Ohio sports, thankfully).

#7 Stanford handles steadily disappointing USC, 27-10: There was a time when it was probably awesome to be a Southern Cal fan. Not anymore. Stanford owns their bitch asses in recent years, and they did it again. Who said the nerdy schools always lose? McCaffrey catches for 66 yds and a TD, runs for 172 yds and a TD. He's not human. Next up for The Tree is UCLA; the Condoms get to catch a Mormon beatdown in Salt Lake City.

#8 Washington takes a husky-sized chunk out of Portland State, 41-3: The air assault of Jake Browning and the Huskies looks pretty damn scary, but the toughest part of their schedule still remains. Portland State sucks....not a newsflash. Easy win. Washington will go out to the desert to play Arizona next week; Portland State will try to beat a local JUCO.

#9 Wisconsin needs all 4 quarters to beat.....Georgia State (?), 23-17: I need this one explained to me, should there be any Badger fans in the house. I got nothin'. You were down 17-13 in the 4th fucking quarter to an 0-2, D2 school??! Wow. Anyways, the Badgers open B1G play against Michigan State, Georgia State plays App State. Sorry about that. 

#11 Texas proves they're overrated, falling to Cal in Berkeley (not without controversy), 50-43: Another "goal line ball flip", but this time the refs agreed the kid did it. However, there was no immediate recovery, so Cal kept possession. Huh? What? I'm lost. Either way, if you want to win don't let your opponent get anywhere near scoring 50 on you. Texas needs to get better on defense. They're WAY too talented not to. Next up for the Horns? Oklahoma State, then OU in the Red River Shootout. California will play the Sun Devils in the desert.

#12 Michigan State nearly blows 29-point lead, holds on against #18 Notre Dame, 36-28: No miracle comeback for the little green men in South Bend on this day. Boring but consistent Sparty looked a little less boring, then got conservative and tried to give it away. Good thing they got that big of a lead before they packed up their balls. Notre Dame can pretty much give up on a CFP spot; JOIN A CONFERENCE ALREADY!! Next up for the Spartans are the aforementioned Badgers of Wisconsin, The Fighting Irish have another home game against scrappy Duke. Don't sleep on Duke.

#13 Iowa was stupid enough to play North Dakota State, gets upset 23-21: What did I say last week? Don't.....schedule......ND State. They are the reigning Kings of D2 Football. They upset fools every single year. They're, like, the only D2 school that ESPN College Gameday loves to habitually go and visit. They're crazy, well-coached and talented. The super boring, Steeler imitating Hawkeyes join the club of Bison victims. Iowa will try to rebound against Rutgers (no big issue there); ND State will go back to pwning the rest of D2.

#15 Tennessee holds off a scrappy Ohio team in Knoxville, 28-19: I don't think Ohio appreciated being a 4-TD underdog, even in front of 100,000 plus Vols fans. Luckily for Tennessee they have Joshua Dobbs, who is one of the most underrated QBs in the game today. There were a few puckered buttholes in that ugly shade of orange, but they survived. Next up for Tennessee are the Florida Gators; Ohio will play Gardner-Webb. They'll probably win.

#16 Georgia barely survives a trip to Missouri, 28-27: Don't feel bad, Dawgs. I barely survived my last trip to Missouri as well; I almost died of fucking boredom. In all seriousness, Mizzou is pretty tough at home in any given year. The TD pass from Eason to McKenzie with 1:29 left sealed it for Georgia. The Dawgs get an angry Ole Miss team in Oxford next; Mizzou will a Delaware State team whose mascot is a silly looking blue and red hornet. Or wasp. Or whatever the fuck that is. And, oh yeah.......FUCK GEORGIA.

#17 Texas A&M handles Auburn out on The Plains, 29-16: The Aggies used 5 field goals and numerous Auburn mistakes to squeeze out a victory. Hey, it ain't always pretty but you're not gonna turn down that W, are you? I didn't think so. The Aggies will go back home to play an underrated (but ranked) Arkansas squad, while Auburn will stay home and host LSU. Conference play has begun. 

#20 LSU escapes Mississippi State in the fake Death Valley, 23-20: I know Tiger fans are glad that Leonard "Too Much of Man for You" Fournette is back. He ran 147 yards and 2 TD and the stiff-arm of the year. Seriously, look it up....we're talking unwashed and uncircumcised nasty. LSU travels to Auburn next week; Mississsippi State travels to UMass. You'd think they can handle that. 

#21 Baylor refuses to leave Top 25, beats Rice 38-10: Seth Russell (another talented and overlooked QB) keeps on getting it done for the Bears with 22-38 for 337 yds and 3 TDs. That's not a bad day of work, complimented by a smothering defense. Maybe I'm being too hard on Baylor. Next up they will host the Cowboys of Oklahoma State; Rice will be eaten by someone, I'm sure.

#22 Oregon kisses the Top 25 bye-bye, loses late to Nebraska in the middle of a bunch of corn and shit, 35-32: Nebraska's leading passer was also their leading rusher. That sounds like some Oregon kryptonite right there. I'm gonna call Nebraska a bit of a sleeper this year. Oregon is, I believe, looking at their last run in the rearview now. The Huskers travel to Northwestern to open B1G play. Oregon will host those scrappy Colorado Buffaloes. I'm gonna go ahead and call the upset for next week: Colorado over Oregon.

#23 Florida pays dearly for beating up on UNT, 32-0: The good news is that you won the game against an outmanned North Texas team. The bad news is their headhunter (and only good player) took out your QB on a nasty low hit. There really are 2 sides to every coin, eh? Next up for Florida is shaky Tennessee; UNT travels to Rice. I hope they're hungry.

#24 Arkansas takes Texas State to Pound Town, 42-3: A nice little practice for the Hogs, who are starting to look pretty good. The forecast doesn't get any better for Texas State....they play the Houston Cougars next. Arkansas will have their hands full as they travel to College Station to take on the 12th Man.

#25 Miami easily handles a solid Appalachian State team on the road, 45-10: Mark Richt was the right hire for the 'Canes. He's an alum and a great coach who's been given a storied program, great recruits, and a huge fucking chip on his shoulder. Miami is only getting better. My boy the Hulk is happy. Miami travels to Georgia Tech on 10/2 after a week off; App State will go spank Akron in Ohio.

It should be a given, but I'll say it anyways: your "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED??!!" game for the week was easily Louisville over FSU. 63-20. I cannot recall the last time anyone did that to a Semen-Holes team. You don't get to see a true "coming out party" that often, and that was Louisville's. And my beloved Tigers play them (in THE REAL DEATH VALLEY, thank God) in 2 weeks. That'll be a Gameday stop, for sure.

In a new "feature", here is your new AP Top 25 after these results. We'll call it The Fallout.

  • 1- Alabama (50)
  • 2- Ohio State (4)
  • 3- Louisville (6)
  • 4- Michigan (1)
  • 5- Clemson 
  • 6- Houston 
  • 7- Stanford
  • 8- Michigan State
  • 9- Washington
  • 10- Texas A&M
  • 11- Wisconsin
  • 12- Georgia
  • 13- Florida State
  • 14- Tennessee
  • 15- Miami
  • 16- Baylor
  • 17- Arkansas
  • 18- LSU
  • 19- Florida
  • 20- Nebraska
  • 21- Texas
  • 22- San Diego State
  • 23- Ole Miss
  • 24- Utah
  • 25- Oklahoma
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