Connoisseur of Cheese Review: "Street Trash" (1987)
I should be calling this the Connoisseur of High Cheese Review....no bullshit. Some people call 'em B-flicks, some call 'em "so bad they're good". I just call 'em cheese, and I love me some damn cheese (both literally and figuratively; a block of cheese is my favorite snack). Still, there are different levels of cheese.
Street Trash is high cheese. We're talking cheese so epic that it makes Lloyd Kaufman jealous as fuck that he didn't make it. If I were a vampire, Street Trash would be my blood of the innocent. If I were Dexter, Street Trash would be my chance to plastic wrap a Nazi war criminal in hiding. If I were Deadpool, Street Trash would be five minutes alone with Wolverine. You get the idea.
Street Trash is the story of a pair of brothers, Fred (Mike Lackey) and Kevin (Mark Sferrazza) who live with the other hobos in the local junkyard, which is presided over by both the morbidly obese pig manager, Frank Schnizer (Pat Ryan, Class of Nuke 'Em High), and a criminally insane homeless Vietnam vet named Bronson (Vic Noto, Innocent Blood). Like apparently all hobos, they are on the lookout for cheap booze. They're prayers are answered in true "be careful what you wish for" fashion. The local liquor store owner has discovered a case of 60 year-old cheap wine called Tenafly Viper behind a loose panel under his basement stairs. Sounds safe, right? The best thing to do with it is sell it for a dollar a bottle to the local homeless population. The problem with Viper is that it causes whoever drinks it to melt into a pile of gooey remains.
Man, this shit is truly epic. I remember seeing a highly censored version on TV in the wee hours of the morning somewhere around the age of 8 or 9, but it didn't do justice to this classic. There's so much here to love.
Sure, the plot is threadbare and goes completely off the rails early and often. There are secondary storylines woven in that you won't give two shits about. The acting is patently atrocious; we're talking ALMOST on a par with Troll 2. Most of the "actors" in this movie never acted again. It is bad, don't get me wrong. For all that, though, it is competently shot. It absolutely nails the batshit crazy tone that it's going for and doesn't waver in that regard. That old expression about giving it 110% even if it's awful is on full display. You can't fake heart like this.
You want highlights (it's hard to even call them spoilers). Check this shit out:
It opens with a hobo creeping along behind a liquor store owner Belushi-style in order to steal booze, only to be foiled by the owner's nasty fart.
The first three minutes give you double full frontal nudity (male and female) complete with power muff pubic hair.
The "toilet melt" scene is the stuff of gross-out legend. The color palette is legitimately beautiful.
Speaking of that color palette, everyone who makes the mistake of drinking Tenafly Viper melts into a puddle of goo of a different color. That's SFX dedication!
Exploding fat guy. Every movie should have one.
The final scene has a decapitation scene that is utterly unique in film history and shouldn't be missed. The decapitated head makes sure to peak and upskirt at the girl jumping over him. God bless America!
It has an in-credit sequence in 1987!! I'd say they were a little ahead of the game.
It also sports one of those great 80's movie-specific songs in the credits that's done lounge lizard style.
The term "barepussy" is used as a legit descriptive term.
Lines like the world's most chauvinistic cop saying "What's the difference between you and a tape recorder? I can shut the tape recorder up!" to a crime scene witness.
Also lines like "Do what you want with Burt. He's black! No one will give a shit anyways!"
Hobo gang rape. Yep.
Also (and most importantly) there is a long scene where a bunch of hobos play "Monkey in the Middle" WITH ANOTHER HOBO'S SEVERED PENIS!! They make a point of plenty of flying dick shots. It's one of the funniest things ever put to film, I swear to God.
Bear in mind that this got a theatrical release in 1987. There's about as much chance of a movie like this getting to theaters today as there would be of Donald Trump making friends at a hipster coffee bar. It's a testament to the insanity of the movie and the time it was made in. And, really- who doesn't love a good, trashy 80's time capsule?
