Movie Review: "Zombieland: Double Tap" (2019)

So, I made a mistake after seeing the long-awaited (10 years!) sequel to 2009’s Zombieland. It wasn’t a huge mistake, but it was a useful one as it highlighted something we all know (but have to be reminded starkly of on occasion). My mistake was reading a couple of legit, mainstream critical reviews of Zombieland: Double Tap. I often peruse select reviewer’s work, but I rarely go to the mainstream (in this case, it’s RogerEbert.com). What I was reminded of was this: “respected” critics don’t know a goddamn thing about what the average moviegoer wants to see.

I know that’s not a revelation, but holy shit are these toolbags clueless! The gist of the review was that it’s more of the same on a bigger scale, a “tepid retread” that was unnecessary. Isn’t that a bit like saying every AC/DC album sounds the same? You think you’re bashing the film, but it’s music to our ears.

As a critic, I can confirm that critics don’t know shit.

Zombieland: Double Tap finds the makeshift family settled down in the White House years after the events of the original film. They’re finally safe, happy, & domesticized…and it becomes too much for Wichita (Emma Stone; Easy A) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin; Little Miss Sunshine), who feel they’re being pigeonholed by the boys. Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg; Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice) proposes to Wichita with the friggin’ Hope Diamond and backs her into a corner, while Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson; Natural Born Killers) is smothering Little Rock in a surrogate father role. She’s not a kid anymore, and she wants to get out. One terrible note later, the girls are gone and the boys are lost/free (depending on your perspective). Columbus falls into the arms of a hopelessly ditzy stunner of an airhead named Madison (Zoey Deutch; Why Him?) that he found living in a freezer in the mall. When Wichita shows back up for guns and ammo to track down a runaway Little Rock, who’s run off with a hippie named Berkeley (Avon Jogia; Shaft). Before you can say road trip, the new foursome is back together in search of Little Rock. Along the way, they’ll square off against new, evolved zombies called T-800’s and some surprise guests (cameos by Luke Wilson, Thomas Middleditch, & Rosario Dawson) before tracking her to Babylon, a hippie commune where guns aren’t allowed but hugs are.

That aforementioned criticism of Zombieland: Double Tap from the snobs at RogerEbert.com? It’s not inaccurate. It’s also shitting on what it should be praising. Rarely has a sequel felt so gloriously on the mark! This is a movie that celebrates all of the qualities that made the original such a surprising runaway hit and turns the volume knob up to 11 before breaking the damn thing off. It’s not a movie to be taken seriously, even when you’re surprised by the heart in the relationships and how much you actually care about this ragtag family that could easily tell your story.

I’ve often ranted about the slow death of comedy, but Zombieland: Double Tap shows that there is life yet in the genre (even if it’s not strictly a comedy). I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Harrelson, Eisenberg, Stone, & Breslin haven’t missed a beat with each other. Their timing is still eerily good. Woody is a fucking national treasure in his overacting and caricature-esque approach to Tallahassee. Nobody does Eisenberg like Eisenberg. Stone and Breslin are snarky mirrors of one another. The scene-stealer, though, is Zoey Deutch as the clueless (and ludicrously hot) Madison. I was borderline shocked at how well she does lovably stupid and how many killer lines she has. It is without a hint of hyperbole that I say she had me pissing myself a wee bit on more than one occasion. What a fantastic addition! Also, the cameos from Luke Wilson and Thomas Middleditch as overblown doppelgängers of Tallahasse and Columbus (named Albuquerque and Flagstaff, respectively) are pretty sweet. The introduction of Rosario Dawson as Tallahassee’s new love interest, Nevada, is just icing on the gore-soaked cake.

Speaking of gore, this is still a Zombieland film. The kills are bigger and more diverse and the scale of the carnage more epic. You’ll particularly love the inclusion of the new “Homer” and “Ninja” zombies along with the previously mentioned T-800’s (so named because they’re a lot harder to kill). The finale is a thing of beauty; I knew that a monster truck and an army of zombies would go well together, but I never expected it to be that much fun.

The attention to detail and first-rate cast is what makes Zombieland: Double Tap really shine. The set design on both the White House and Babylon bring so much character to an already vibrantly dead world, the supporting players each play a niche role ('“Group sex? No?”)

Plain and simple, Zombieland: Double Tap is more fun than a sequel that took ten years to make has any right to be, wonderfully unrefined and unapologetically crass and goofy. Hidden in there is a ton of heart and the spirit of the great Abbot and Costello horror films of yesteryear. I wonder if the highbrow bastards at the mainstream sites know that their harsh criticism is actually a selling point for real fans?

Like I said, fucking critics don’t know a damn thing.

Grade:

4.5 out of 5.0 stars