Typically Belated and Utterly Cliché Musings (for this time of year)...

2019, fuck me running. You’ve been the most interesting year of my entire life by far- a heady combination of unprecedented events, spiritual and emotional realizations, the cumulative effects of aging, and the power of finally getting your shit in order and taking some measure of control (well, as much as anyone can).

In my head and my heart I’m caught somewhere between the old standbys of “what I’m thankful for” and “year in review”. The holiday season thus far has frankly been a highly stressful shit show (though not without its bright spots), so it seems appropriate to combine those two standbys together at a time roughly between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve. Makes sense, right?

I turned 40 this year, a landmark number by any estimation. When I was a kid, the year 2019 was a powerful one in my mind though I honestly had no clue what my life would look like once I got to be over the hill. My early childhood was idyllic, but much of what came after the age of 8 or 9 was such a hot mess that I couldn’t remotely fathom whether I’d be successful, poor, in jail for murder (I’ve always had a hard time with my dark side), or even dead. I wouldn’t have anticipated where I am now.

In the summer of 2018, I left a steady salaried gig toiling away in the dreaded land of Middle Management (a sub-level of the Hell that lies below Middle Earth) for an unsure part-time upgrade with no guarantees. I could’ve been “the Boss” forever; that’s a job I’m damn good at even when I’m faking it. Still, I was dying a little on the inside being a puppet leader for a soulless corporation with more money than God. I still have no guarantees at Peterbilt, but I’m about a thousand times happier. Not only is it fucking fantastic to be a “nobody” again, but I genuinely enjoy orderliness and routine of the work. It’s a field I never saw myself working in. For fuck’s sake, I can’t even turn a screwdriver at home, and I now work in automotive manufacturing?! The irony isn’t lost on me.

At the start of this year, I was still tipping the scales at either a cheeseburger above or below 300 pounds depending on what day of the week it was. I couldn’t manage 10 pushups without falling on my face in utter fatigue. As of today, I am 210 pounds. I can crank out at least 50 pushups before starting to feel the burn, then follow it up with 50 or more crunches, leg lifts, and squats…then go for sets. Sure, there’s some excess skin on my stomach, but there are abs underneath. My body looks better than it did when I was a 16 year old football player (albeit with a few more age marks ha ha!). I’m in the best shape of my life. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in almost 2 years. I still enjoy my Scotch with no intention of stopping, but I’ve curtailed my excesses in that regard. Well, almost. Nobody’s perfect. There’s a life lesson in the importance of being able to see your dick on a regular basis.

I’ve built a readership and base of contacts that I wouldn’t have thought possible a year ago. I’ve chatted online and via email with actors, directors, and writers that I greatly admire. I’ve interviewed Troma alum and horror goddess Debbie Rochon, the iconic Candyman Tony Todd, young genre vet Michael Welch, SFX guru Gabriel Bartalos, “the Betty White of Horror” Barbara Crampton, author extraordinaire and screenwriter Grady Hendrix, and the baddest motherfucker on the planet, Bill Moseley!! It’s literally been a horror fan’s dream come true. I’ve made invaluable contacts in the business and continue to do so. I’ve busted my ass for it, and I’ve finally learned to stop being self-deprecating about it and take the credit.

I wouldn’t be at this point without my family at Horror DNA and my editor and (more importantly) friend, Stewie. Everyone needs someone to hold the door open for them, and you have been a true comrade and all-around quality human being. I owe you a cubic fuckton, and Horror DNA will always be my home. Our writers (Shane Keene, Tony Jones, Ryan Noble, Ryan Holloway, Zig=Zag, Ali Chappell, Gabino Iglesias, Daniel Benson, and the rest whom I don’t know as well as the aforementioned) are the best in the business- talented, bright, decent people who love horror and treat you right. I love y’all, plain and simple.

I’ve been blessed to have my mother live with us and be able to make sure she’s well cared for. I’m not always the best son, but my Mom is still one of my heroes. We went through Hell together and have the matching scars to show for it. Our relationship isn’t perfect (and our decisions weren’t always, either), but by God we’ve done it our way. The way she always let me be exactly who I am without judgment absolutely shaped who I am as a parent today for better or worse.

I live in the lovely Dallas-Ft. Worth area, and if you had told me a couple of decades ago that would be the case I’d have laughed you out of the room. It seems surreal, after all. I’m a born and raised Clemson kid, raised in South Carolina who then ran to the deserts of New Mexico and spent a few years living to the absolute excess with ZERO regrets (yeah, I still have zero). As a diehard Redskins fan, this is the last place I thought I’d ever end up living. And you know what? I LOVE IT. I am a Texan now, and it’s absolutely awesome. I wouldn’t trade the Lone Star State for a damn thing. Hell, my daughter has been here since the age of 1, so she is a full-bore Texas girl (despite being born in Anderson, SC). We’re a Texan family. It’s great.

That brings me to the only people in the world that I absolutely cannot live without- my family. I’ve been blessed with “in-laws” that have never been that at all. Always there, always loving, always supportive of my weird ass. They’re simply amazing. They’ve never questioned my odd ways, bad language, dark inclinations, or thoroughly inappropriate sense of humor. I don’t get to live around my South and North Carolina family, so it’s a gift to have this family.

And my wife and teenage daughter…

Simply put, I married my best friend and we created another best friend. My girls are everything to me- the only people in the world I would kill for and die for in equal measure. 21 years of marriage and nearly 25 years together and I am happier today than I’ve ever been. I understand how rare that is; I really do. My kid is a daily revelation. She’s got her shit so squarely together that it blows my mind: National Honor Society, Elite Theater, on track for UT in Austin to study either Psychiatry or Psychology. I have no doubt she’ll crush it like a grape. It’s what she does. She’s so smart that I feel kind of stupid around her, and I am a smart man. When you put the both of them together? I can die happy. I just watch them goof off and crack jokes, picking at each other and looking so damn beautiful as they laugh like idiots. These are the best moments of my life.

I suppose I’m waxing all sentimental because of the holiday season, but also because it’s been a rough one this year. We just lost a dear family member this week, and my Mom has spent the better part of the last couple of weeks in the hospital (though she’ll be home soon, thank God). There’s been a lot of stress, tears, and running all over creation to keep the machine moving and support each other…but that’s just what you do. It’s been said that home is the place where they have to take you back no matter what, but there’s underlying truth that gets missed in the cynicism of that old adage: home is where they want to take you back and see you be your best.

We’re in this together, folks, whether you like it or not. If you’re reading this, then you are a part of my family and my story to some degree. You may have known me since I was shitting my pants. You may have just met me on the assembly line. You may be part of the horror community a.k.a. the Greatest Family on Earth. You may be a random reader, but you’re still a part of my story and I’m a small part of yours. Every connection matters.

In other words, GET ON MY DAMN LEVEL. I’ll help you up here. Hell, you probably helped me get here…and we’ve still so far to go.

And, oh yeah- if you’re thinking that all this heartfelt emotion means that we can’t do some idiotic shit during this journey FEAR NOT. I’ve got plenty of bad decisions left in me, & I won’t judge you for yours. My Mom raised me better than that.