Special Guest Movie Review: "Cats" (2019)

Every so often, I get the chance to publish another writer’s review of a film that I haven’t had time to see. While I want to get completely plastered and go see Cats just to experience the horror (2.7/10 on IMDB), it’s simply not meant to be. Besides, a talented writer and good friend of mine put out a short review on Facebook that I feel compelled to share with the world. It won’t take up too much of your time, and frankly it’s hilarious. Enjoy the words of one of the smartest and most charming people I know, Miss Cheyenne Sullivan (on Twitter @TheYuleCat)

Cats Movie Review

Written by Cheyenne Sullivan

The worst thing ever. And I don't mean just in film. I haven't spent so much time thinking, "What the hell is happening here?" since the first time I got drunk. I was tempted to put my foot on the ground to try to stop the spinning.

Took a nap. Woke up. Still don't understand what's going on, but now there is an old lady cat wearing a fur coat (why?! for what purpose?!)

The movie run time was only one hour, forty nine minutes, but it felt like five hours. I lived and died during this movie. By the end of the movie, half the theater was laughing. Uncomfortably. For about 98% of the movie, my jaw was dropped. Like when you're trying to solve long division in your head. Or when you're applying mascara.

My thoughts: why are they small in a human world but there's a Milk Bar? Why does that cat have a top hat? Why does Rebel Wilson have two cat skins? Why are the mice so creepy? Are they about to have sex? Are they going to make out? Why are they in London but all the cats have American accents?

The credits roll, and Emily jumps up faster than I've ever seen her move and says, "It's time to get black out drunk."

One of my cats vomited on the floor the other day, and the other cat, to my horror, ate it. That moment was more entertaining and had a more reasonable plot than this movie.

That was a great nap though.