College Football 2016, Week 1: IN MEMORIAM

Here we go, ladies and gentleman. It's the first installment of the weekly recap of the college football action for the "week that was". I'll lay out a couple of quick things about how I do this (and yes, I am open to suggestion in the future).

• I'm going to cover the Top 25, with an honorable mention game afterwards
• Yeah, I'm a Clemson homer. You know this. Get over it or get on my damn level!!
• I will include the Upset of the Week, known as the "Who the Fuck Saw That Coming??!!" game

So, without further ado:

#1 Alabama prison rapes #20 USC 52-6: Look. You're pretty damn good. We get it. However, I really thought USC would at least show up for a half. This was painful to watch and only made me hate Bama even more. And they seem to have found a legitimately special QB? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck!!!

#2 Clemson survives an underrated (and unranked) Auburn Tiger squad 19-13: Yeah, I said it: survived. Sometimes you have to do just that, even when you are loaded and hyped to the moon. Watson did enough to get the W. Mike Williams is back, baby....and he looks fantastic. Dexter Lawrence II (#2 overall out of high school) is the real deal at DE. We're not going anywhere. If you're a Clemson hater then I fell bad for you. If you're an Auburn hater then I feel bad for you, too. They're coming back, and their D-line is impressive and scary fast.

#3 Oklahoma takes #15 Houston lightly and pays dearly for it, 33-23: If you didn't see it you might think this was a close one. It wasn't. The Cougars smacked Chokelahoma's ass while keeping them face down and ass up. "Big Game Stoops" does it again. SIDE NOTE TO ALL COACHES OUT THERE: If you're going to kick a 50 plus yard field goal then you'd better be ready for the return. Right, Saban?

#4 FSU gets whipped for a half and then rallies to beat #11 Ole Miss 45-34: Goddamnit, FSU looked really good (but still human). Their new QB, Francois, seems to be the real deal. You can remember this one for Dalvin Cook's ridiculous fumble at the 1-yard line. And Chad Kelly? You are NOT the best QB in the NCAA today. You're not even Top 10.

#5 LSU goes to Lambeau and gets frozen by unranked Wisconsin, 16-14: This was a fun game to watch in a great environment. Wisconsin did a great job overall of shutting down Fournette. Don't sleep on the Badgers in the B1G. They're good. And, I believe LSU is a little overrated this year. 

#6 Ohio State lays the smackdown on Bowling Green 77-10: Explanation not necessary...it's fucking Bowling Green. Ohio State will play with an eye over their shoulder at stupidly hyped Michigan all year.  

#7 Michigan and Mr. Khaki beat the pants off of Hawaii, 63-3: Michigan beats a shitty team by 60, their biggest margin of victory since Lyndon B. Johnson was POTUS. Is that impressive? Yes and no. It's just Hawaii, but it IS how you should beat this team if you deserve the hype. Good showing.

#8 Stanford gets by unranked (but always tough) K-State, 26-13: Stanford and their do-everything back, Christian McCaffrey, should win the Pac-12 this year. They're a complete team with a damn good coach in Shaw. K-State will be a pain in the ass for every team in the Big 12, as they always are.

#9 Tennessee needs OT to beat Appalachian State, 20-13: This is a hard one to pick on too much. Week 1 is a tough game for every team that has the balls to schedule a real opponent....and App State is for real. This is a team that owned D2 (complete with National Championships) before moving up. Remember App State vs. Michigan a few years back? These guys slay giants on a regular basis. Also, I'm not sold on the Vols as a total package. They have a lot of talent, but they need to get coached up. This has to go as the "WHO THE FUCK SAW THAT COMING" game of the week.

#10 Notre Dame goes to unranked Texas and loses in 2OT, 50-47: If you're a Texas fan you are to the moon with happiness over this win. It's the best and most high-profile one in Austin in quite some time. You're also concerned with your defense, at least a little bit. 47 points is a lot to give up. For Notre Dame? Keep your chin up. You've got a solid squad, probably a 10-win team. You can't win all of the thrillers. This was one of the best games I've seen in years. So exciting and high drama. That dive on the last play to get across had a Tiger screaming "Hook 'Em!!" for a minute. Musburger said it best: "Texas is back, folks!!"

#12 Michigan State fends off a scrappy Furman team for a warmup, 28-13: Not a lot of fireworks in this one; just your typical workman-like game from Sparty. The Palladins of Furman have to feel good with their showing against the B1G champs. Michigan State just isn't very exciting when they're not playing Ohio State or Michigan.

#13 TCU gets the scare of a lifetime from South Dakota State, 59-41: The Jackrabbits had the Horned Frogs sweating that nervous, slimy ass-crack sweat for virtually all of this one. It's the kind of game that talking heads usually call a "test" (meaning it's tied at the half and the better team pulls away in the 4th). TCU passed....with a 75. Take 'em where you can get 'em, Frogs. Jackrabbits are scary creatures in their own right.

#14 Washington lambastes unraknked Rutgers, 48-13: I'll be honest: I didn't know the Huskies were any good. What can I say? I'm not a Pac-12 guru. They are a pretty one-sided offense, though, with a scant running game. That will catch up to them in all likelihood.

#16 UCLA loses the heartbreaker to the 12th Man in OT, 31-24: Seems like (maybe) that early season ranking for UCLA was a bit premature, and the Aggies might have a darkhorse team in the SEC West. It's understandable, too. Kyle Field is hallowed ground in college football and a super-tough place to play.

#17 Iowa does what they should've against Miami (OH), 45-21: The team that everyone (justifiably) said had a soft schedule in a tough conference last year made a strong (but not flashy) statement against Ben Roethlisberger's alma mater. Iowa isn't flashy, though. They're kind of boring. I also think I'm watching the Steelers play. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

#18 Georgia rides a Chubb (get it?) to victory over #22 North Carolina in Atlanta, 33-24: It was the annual Chick-Fil-A Kickoff Classic in the Georgia Dome, ACC vs SEC. In a weekend that wasn't very good overall for the mighty SEC Georgia shined. It's genuinely great to see Nick Chubb back after his season ending injury last year. North Carolina still looked high powered as always, but schizophrenic. Georgia is my personal pick for SEC East Champs. Oh, by the way......FUCK GEORGIA. I'm contractually obliged to say that for my late Aunt Linda. 

#19 Louisville goes bugshit on the lowly Charlotte 49ers, 70-14: Hey, Louisville. You didn't have to do that. It really wasn't very nice. 

#21 Oklahoma State beats the shit out of SE Louisiana, 61-7: Another one that doesn't need explanation or description. This is why small schools get those gaudy checks to play these games; it's glorified practice. 

#23 Baylor takes care of business against Northwestern State, 55-7: Time will tell what the future holds for "disgraced" Baylor. They've lost a lot in the Briles scandal, but they're still a quality team and it was Northwestern State. Do what you do, Bears.

#24 Oregon nearly doubles UC Davis, 53-28: NEWSFLASH: Oregon scores a lot of points. Some things never change. They also have a cubic fuck-ton of uni options. They should try playing more defense. Nice fluffer win.

#25 Florida handles UMASS 24-7: You'd think they would've thrown more of a beatdown on a day when they brought Spurrier home and honored him in The Swamp, right? Oh well. They've got a ways to go in Gainesville, but they do have a lot of talent there. A win is a win.

All in all, this was pretty sweet as opening weekends go. There were a lot of matchups with 2 ranked teams and neutral site curiousities. It stretched all the way through to Labor Day (with FSU vs Ole Miss) and gave us some real thrillers, like Texas and Notre Dame. And, my beloved Clemson Tigers are still #2 in the nation. Now we can get a couple of weeks of fluffers to work out the issues. 

Thank God college football is back. GO TIGERS!!!