College Football 2016, Week 2: IN MEMORIAM

Alright, folks. We're settled in now, right? Did everyone work out those "opening weekend crazies"? Sure you did. For most of us, our teams survived. Some thrived against lesser opponents. A couple (like FSU) showed out against quality opponents. It's all good. Everyone is warmed up now. 

Nope. Scratch that. 

And isn't that the beauty, the sheer awesomeness, of college football? NFL die-hards (like my father-in-law) will tell you that the college game is too sloppy and wild. You're goddamn right it is. We like it that way. It's as unpredictable as it comes, and I (personally) wouldn't have it any other way. 

On that note, let's dig into the Top 25 in a week that didn't feature any games with 2 ranked teams playing:

#1 Alabama tunes up on Western Kentucky, 38-10: It's just Bama doing what they do. They're balanced (2 rush TD, 2 pass TD, 1 Def TD) and well coached. Well, there was that awesome moment with Saban all over Kiffin..............what was that about?

#2 Clemson hosts a scrappy Troy team, manages to win in spite of themselves, 30-24: Here it comes. You knew I was going to rant. GET READY........actually, I'm not going to rant. My beloved Tigers haven't looked like the team everyone expected them to be this year. Deshaun "Superman" Watson hasn't been himself in the accuracy department, the WRs are dropping balls, low production from a 1500-yard back in The Wayne Train. What's wrong? They're human and the expectations were astonishingly high for this team. Reality check. Back to Earth now, boys. You're lucky to be 2-0. Dropping to #5 was deserved. On the plus side, now we can go back to being "the team no one believes in".

#3 FSU bullies Charleston Southern like the fucking pricks they are, 52-8: Yes, I hate the "Semen-holes". I'm not shy about it. They have been (for me) a more hated rival than the damn Shamecocks because (moment of honesty here) they're a hell of a lot harder to beat. They are, to quote an Attitude Era Triple H, "THAT DAMN GOOD". Deondre Francois has looked like the new King of the Crab Legs against lesser talent thus far. They scored in the air and on the ground. They scored on D. They might have scored again on the walk back to the locker room after the game. Fuck Florida State.

#4 Ohio State uses a smothering D to keep Tulsa cowering, 48-3: They started slow in the rain and lightning against Tulsa.....then they brought the Thunder and Lightning. This team continues to look complete. That Ohio State-Michigan game looms huge on the horizon, but you'd better not look past your next opponent: a wounded and still embarassed Oklahoma in your first real game of the season.

#5 Michigan beats the snot out of UCF, 51-14: Hey, UCF: do you miss Blake Bortles yet? I bet you do. Don't spend too much time pining for past glory; it wouldn't have made a difference against this team. They're loaded with 4 and 5-star talent and the coaching is sublimely insane. 3 on the ground and 4 in the air. More balance. Are we seeing a theme yet, y'all? Great teams have balance.

#6 Houston blanks Lamar, 42-0......renames Lamar as Reek: There is no better way to make a team your bitch than to blank them. It's football castration, hence the Theon Greyjoy reference. Houston is a legit contender, at least until proven otherwise. Considering they only play one ranked team the rest of the year (Louisville on 11/17) I'd say it looks good for the Cougs.

#7 Stanford sat around and studied; IDLE: The smartest team in college football took a break. Works for me. Even boring trees need a break.

#8 Washington vandalizes Idaho, 59-14: Jake Browning is an underrated QB. He spread the ball around to his two favorite targets (2 TD each) and added another to a 3rd WR. Then his backup QB got his freak on. You'd better have a good pass defense against the Huskies.

#9 Georgia forgets who they are and scrape by NICHOLLS (!!), 26-24: Another case of "what the fuck happened here?". The Dawgs forgot how to play ball after looking pretty stout against the Heels last week. Is it a coincidence that Clemson and Georgia (two teams that detest each other) scraped by teams with swords in their logos? The drop to #16 was deserved.

#10 Wisconsin jumps around on Akron, 54-10: Another case of total domination against a much lesser opponent. RB Corey Clement is a great short yardage weapon. This was a nice follow up to their big win over LSU last week.

#11 Texas pummels UTEP, 41-7: Okay, I'm calling bullshit on this one. It's not about UTEP, though....you never had a prayer of beating Texas in Austin. It's that ranking, though. I said last week that the win over Notre Dame was a huge win for the Horns and a classic game. I meant every word of that; fucking amazing. However, to go from unranked to #11??!! Who did you beat? JESUS CHRIST?? Oh. Wait. It was Notre Dame. Close enough.

#12 Michigan State sits around polishing its sword: I'm not spanking it. I'm polishing it. Don't call me Little Brother!!

#13 Louisville rolls into Syracuse and buttfucks The Orange, 62-28: I know that's a little vulgar, but this was like a home invasion with a side of sodomy. Louisville is looking really strong, especially inside the ACC. It must be all of the Papa John's that they eat. Better ingredients really do make a better team.

#14 Oklahoma bounces back and bounces around UL Monroe, 59-17: I think they had something to prove, especially at home to the faithful of Norman and "Good Ole" Jim Ross. That's what you should do when you're in OU's position. Nice work. Now it's time to build on that momentum. You've got the Fuckeyes next week.

#15 TCU is outlasted in 2OT thriller by Arkansas, 41-38: Oh, what a difference a week makes. One week you scrape by LA Tech at home, 21-20. The next week you roll into Ft. Worth and upset the #15 team in the country in 2OT. Wait, doesn't Arkansas do this a lot? Jekyll and Hyde makes for an entertaining time (with ulcers). That sucks for TCU, but have you seen KaVontae Turpin of the Horned Frogs? At 5'9" and 153 lbs you probably missed him, but he's outrageously fast and elusive. Fun to watch. 

#16 Iowa trashes in-state rival Iowa State, 42-3: It's always a good feeling for a team to kick the everliving shit out of your in-state rival. Yeah, the Cyclones suck harder than a Hoover, but still....that's some sublime shit right there. Don't get too comfy though, Iowa. You've got North Dakota State next. That's a dangerous D2 team right there. UPSET ALERT NEXT WEEK!!!

#17 Tennessee races past Virginia Tech, 45-24: This was, admittedly, a pretty cool scene with the record breaking attendance for a college game (at Bristol, a race track and essentially a home game for the Vols). You've got to love these odd, neutral site games. Tennessee looked more like the team everyone thought they would be at the start of the season. The Hokies looked like a quality team, but it's definitely not the good old days anymore in Blacksburg.

#18 Notre Dame dominates Nevada (but loses key defender), 39-10: There was no hangover for the Irish; that's the good news. The bad news is that they lost their best DB, Shaun Crawford. If Michigan State wants to win next week in South Bend then the conventional wisdom says throw the ball a lot. We shall see.

#19 Ole Miss beats Wofford like a Terrier, 38-13: Not much to say here. Chad Kelly may be a Clemson castoff (good riddance) and he's definitely not the "best QB in the country", but he's more than good enough to throttle Wofford at home in Oxford. Good for him. You've got Bama next week. Put up or shut up time. 

#20 Texas A&M has a great practice against PV A&M, 67-0: I've got nothing to say about this game. Next.

#21 LSU cockslaps Jacksonville State, 34-13: Actually, you'd think an angry Tigers team would've beat them up worse than a 21-point victory, but I couldn't resist a good masturbation joke. After all, Jacksonville State is that "other" Gamecocks team. 

#22 Oklahoma State stunned at home by Central Michigan on a Hail Mary, 30-27: This one officially gets the "What the Fuck Just Happened??!!" for the week, in more ways than one. Sure, the play that won it for Central Michigan was superb: a trailing Hail Mary by design?! Awesome finish. However...........that officiating mistake was heinous. A game CAN end on an offensive penalty if it's a loss of down. Is that a pretty way to finish it? No, but the Cowboys were trying to kill the last 4 seconds off the clock to survive. According to the rules that Hail Mary never should've happened, and that entire reffing crew has been suspended. Holy shit. If I'm an Oklahoma State fan I'm pissed forever about this one. 

#23 Baylor smokes SMU like a blunt, 40-13: I don't know what to make of Baylor this year, but so far so good. I'd have though Chad Morris would have SMU clicking at least a little by now, but I guess these things take time. I'm pulling for you, Ponies.

#24 Oregon blows past Virginia, 44-26: A typical Ducks game for you right here. They score fast and often and don't play quite enough defense. Luckily they played the Cavaliers this week, and they suck the hind titty. Your uniforms are still hideous, Oregon. 

#25 Miami runs all over FAU, 38-10: Welcome back to the top 25, Miami and new coach Mark Richt (formerly of Georgia). I have no love for Miami, but college football is a better place when Miami is a ranked team. And this Mark Walton kid at RB for Miami? Impressive: 17 carries for 155 yards and 4 TD. 

Well, there you have it: a week full of one-sided victories over lesser opponents with a couple of side dishes of underwhelming wins (I'm looking at you, Clemson and Georgia) with a couple of desserts of disappointment and rage (Oklahoma State and TCU). Next week shapes up to be a little more exciting. You've got #2 Florida State vs. #10 Louisville at "The Papa", #1 Alabama vs. #19 Ole Miss (in Oxford), #12 Michigan State vs. #18 Notre Dame (in South Bend), and #3 Ohio State vs #14 Oklahoma (in Norman). That's a solid slate of ranked matchups. 

Then you've got the intriguing "question" games: will Clemson finally play like Clemson against SC State (answer: THEY DAMN WELL BETTER!!). Will a newly ranked Miami team underestimate Appalachian State? Can North Dakota State aka "The Kings of D2" pull of the upset against #13 Iowa? Will #17 Texas A&M know what to do with an underrated Auburn team after 2 easy wins against chumps? Which USC shows up against Stanford- the one everyone thought they knew or the one who took it in the poop-chute from Bama?

Ah, man.........I fucking love college football.